Today, I’ve spent the day sorting out the en-suite shower. A tiny settlement crack snuck in between a couple of tiles, so it needed looking after a bit. At the moment, re-tiling the whole thing for a tiny crack seemed, excessive. Might get a few more of those cracks over the next couple of years as it is, as the house isn’t that old just yet.

So, I decided to chuck some silicone over it, being the lazy git I can be sometimes. While I was at the thing, I figured, why not replace some of that older silicone too? There had previously been leaks in the shower and various bits of work had been done to get it sorted. In the end, giving up on the builders (after 4 times having them in, re-tiling, re-grouting, whatever) I had simply grabbed silicone then too. Tube had claimed “White” and instead come out a shitty looking yellow. So, half the shower looked like a men’s toilet in a pub.

Right. Grabbed a knife and started carving the old silicone off, careful not to damage any tiles along the way. Took me bloody hours. However, at the same time, it gave me some space to think over things.

Amazing how ones life can be just like that. Sitting in a corner of the house, carving away old cruft you no longer want or need. Going through things in my head, I was doing the same thing in my mind as I was doing with my hands. Carving out something, looking it over. Figuring out, do I want this thing? Is this useful for me? Does it help me in any way? Ouch that hurt!

As I worked along, forgetting about time completely as one does when engrossed in something, I did also reflect on quite a few things.

Anytime I got upset or angry over some thought that came to mind, I put the emotions it stirred to the side and asked myself, “Why does this upset me so much? Is this something I should keep or something I should discard or something I need to review again later on?”

If I came across something that made me smile, or made me feel happy, I filed it away carefully, making sure I can keep that memory, that emotion, that feeling.

At the end of it all, I was exhausted. Mentally that is, the physical strain isn’t high when doing this kind of physical work. But the mental work was quite draining. Then again, it was also quite fulfilling, letting me understand a few things about where I am right now, and how I got here. More importantly, it’s helped me figure out where I’m going, why and what I want from it.

Then, I put some new silicone over the holes (in the shower, no holes in my head, thanks!) and all of a sudden I realised, it’s now almost 8PM. I’ve been at this for most of the day, being careful to remove as much crufty silicone I could, to replace with some good silicone.

Rewarding, yes. Exhausting though.

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